I drank two glasses of wine with dinner in London and then we received an email from Australia - or was it New Zealand? Same difference. They said it was already 2008 and they saw the sun first.
I did not allow myself to be put down by one upmanship. I am a repartee-totaller.
'Well,' I replied, 'lucky you. We, on the other hand, still have a few more hours of 2007 to enjoy. We shall live a few hours longer than you. You just get older quicker.'
It's New Year's Eve 19 - oops - 2007. Two drinks and I can't even remember which age I mustn't reveal.
Happy New Year, my dear friends, with your rascally, knowing grins.
Are you at home drowning your sorrows? Or out drowning other people's. (Sometimes it's better if nobody remembers what others said.)
I am indoors. And I don't mind not going out. The midnight fireworks on TV are much better than going out catching cold. Most people I know already have colds.
I have reached that stage of life when I realise that I am small. And therefore sitting, in front of a TV, watching, is more comfortable than standing, at the back of a crowd of taller people. Looking amongst their large feet for the missing glove.
I have already fallen in snow. I have sat on a sledge with husky dogs. And run across a muddy field in high heels in order to watch noisy fireworks.
Followed by burned sausages. And drinks in collapsed cups.
I have been drenched by a water fountain. I once dropped my camera in the water. Then I lost my glasses looking down trying to retrieve the camera.
I have sat outdoors in the romantic tropics chilled by a sea breeze. And sat twirling disobedient spagetti. Whilst trying to impress somebody else's boss whose name I have forgotten.
Whilst watching a too-close snake charmer. Whilst swatting doodlebug mosquitos, the ones which makes a noise before coming to land. And being bitten, by mosquitos.
I have also set off a hotel fire alarm with sparklers in the bathroom. I have paid ridiculous sums to hotels in order to pull Xmas crackers with people who spoke German, Russian and Serbo-don't know-at. As well as holding hands with total strangers singing Auld Lang Syne with Japanese accents.
I worked out what Auld Lang Syne is all about. It's about the old acquaintance who should never be forgotten. What's 'is name. You know his name. It's John. He sends you a Christmas card. John who? Where? And when? Then he emails on New Year's Eve. That mildly obscene suggestive message.
You tell everybody it's a wrong number. You hope you are right. You send him good wishes anyway. Just in case. In case what? Just in case.
In this household we have a Xmas truce, a bit like WWI, or the Great War. My husband turns up with the 5 CD player, a Christmas gift I asked for. On Boxing Day he tells me his financial needs for a divorce.
Being atheists, and rationalists, and of Jewish extraction, means we can economise on gift and food. We celebrate Christmas with a meal out the day after. We used to buy presents in the sale. Now we just promise to buy presents in the sale.
New Year's Eve can be celebrated the evening before. So we went to a Chinese restaurant last night. Today we had leftovers for lunch. Plum sauce.
Tonight, New Year's Eve, we are collecting points for our retirement in eternity. Our 91-year-old auntie came over from her 'home' for dinner.
We could not lure back our prodigal son, not even with the promise of home-cooked fatted calf supper. But he will come over for lunch tomorrow. If he wakes up. Or tea. Or dinner.
I am told that it's not worthwhile opening a whole bottle of champagne just for two of us. So maybe when we have four together tomorrow it will be worthwhile. When it comes to sharing champagne, I am not convinced that 'the more the merrier'.
Our friends have forgotten us. But total strangers we have never even met have written.
Restaurants thanked us. We even had Christmas cards from shops and businesses we never visited. I always get out last year's Christmas cards. So long as it looks like you have a few on display, that's enough. Nobody else reads them.
Tonight, New Year's Eve, by mid evening everybody stuck at home has run out of people to whom they can reveal their plight and started emailing me. Or are they out emailing from mobile phones, to make themselves appear busy?
To all wellwishers, and everybody, thank you for your kind wishes and kind thoughts. Even if you were too shy to say anything. (Speak up at the back there.) I wish you health, wealth, prosperity and happiness, all year and for a long life. I hope all your dreams for yourself and myself will prove exciting in fantasy and maybe one day in reality.
I wished somebody Happy New Ear. I copied that to everybody. My spell checker never noticed.
My spell checker doesn't like Auld and syne. It doesn't like wellwishers either.
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